So, checking to see if there’s a new Brookmyre novel coming any time soon (May next year, it turns out), I note that there’s also a new short story, “Mellow Doubt” on his website (at least it’s new to the site). It features someone who… well, it’s a character from one of his novels. Someone you may not have thought you’d see again…

Thought you lot might like a heads-up.

When thamshere set out to overthrow the government of Guam, people told him he was crazy. And he was.

When thamshere decided to paint his room with suet, people said he was insane. And he was.

When thamshere attempted to summit Everest wearing only a pink thong and a pair of Ugg Boots, people thought he was off his rocker. And he was.

thamshere has never believed in letting complete drooling insanity stop him from doing a damn thing.

Enough making up amusing rubbish about people for now.

Today, I’m going to talk about something that’s been driving me slowly up the wall for a while now. And in doing so, I may hurt the feelings of some of the people on my friends list.

Tough. If you can’t handle the notion that something you do may irritate me, you need to grow a thicker skin. God knows, I’m sure I piss enough of you off.

It’s this:

Squee!
Not around me, you don’t.

I swear to god, when I saw other people doing this one, they all seemed to get away with about three people commenting.  I thought I’d get it done in an idle afternoon.  But noooo, you bastards all had to see what I had to say, didn’t you?  I’ve got 17 of these bloody things to do in total.  I’ll probably wind up writing more than I did for several university essays.  Also, I keep having wildly improbably ideas for writing styles to do them in…

Also, I have just noticed that I’ve been averaging two to three posts a day for the last few days.  For christ’s sake, someone tell me to shut up if I look like I’m in danger of becoming tedious (or more danger than usual, at any rate).  I’d hate to get to the point where people feel compelled to defriend me for talking too much.

Anyway: burge

1:1 In the begnning, God created the heaven and the earth.

1:2 And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.

1:3 And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.

1:4 And burge replied “Will you shut that sodding light off, I’m trying to get some sleep?”

1:5 And God saw the look on burge‘s face, and hastily turned the light back into darkness, and called it Night.

1:6 Day could wait.

1:7 Several Nights later burge found God sitting in the midst of the creation that he had wrought.

1:8 He had made an awful hash of it.

1:9 And burge took pity on God, and said unto him “Look, there’s these things called ‘physics’ and ‘evolution’.  If you get them right at the start, the whole creation business takes care of itself.”

1:10 And God looked at her in shock, saying “Why didn’t I think of that?”

1:11 So God started all over again, and got it right this time.

1:12 But then he came up with this thing called “Free Will”.  burge just looked at him and sighed.

It’s a gorgeous day today. I have no special reason to mention this, expect that I got off the tube at East Acton this morning, with Warren Zevon on the iPod, and it was one of those gorgeous cold Autumn mornings without a cloud in the sky, the air left clean and bright by overnight rain, and it felt great to be alive.

Monday mornings should not be like that. It just sets the rest of the week up to be a colossal disappointment.

So, on with being nice.

stu_n didn’t say in so many words that he wanted me to be nice about him, but he left a comment, and that’s good enough for me.

Of course, everyone will realise that the reason that stu_n didn’t actually say “be nice about me” is that, of course, it’s so very hard. I mean, what can one say about him that hasn’t been said before on wanted posters and warning notices?

It’s true, he’s highly skilled in the arts of inflicting pain, usually through the medium of terrible, terrible jokes. Small children have been known to cry, brave men to turn and flee, and in at least one case, a woman spontaneously combusted after hearing one of stu_n‘s jokes.

It’s also true that his depravity in the kitchen knows no bounds. A police search party for items of no possible culinary use contained in his cupboards. The array of sharp knives had obvious, if chilling, uses, but the flamethrowers and strange oils and acids were less obvious. Most worryingly of all, those guests that escaped reported the the food they were served was “unnaturally excellent”, and admitted that they were concerned about the exact nature of the meats they were served.

Mostly worryingly of all, stu_n is known to be a chemicals expert. Intelligence analysts are known to to concerned over his trips overseas to foreign processing plants, but as yet, they’ve just to catch him carrying anything more incriminating than his duty free (which some might argue is incriminating enough, but still not actually illegal) on his return. Obviously, a mind that twisted and devilish is quite capable of hiding his terrible chemical creations somewhere else, but as yet, no-one has worked out where…

I have spent the weekend (when not out doing exciting things) listening to a mix of the Albama Three and Mclusky, thanks to the iTunes store. (Which will almost certainly replace Amazon as my retailer of choice as the selection gets better – the instant gratification value of being able to buy an album in a couple of clicks, and listen to it five minutes later is fantastic.)

This is fine and dandy, indeed, it’s quite stonking, really, except that on a whim, I just looked up both those sites to see if there was any interesting news from either band.

I am cursing and swearing now. Both bands are playing in London in the next month. Mclusky is sold out (as far as I can tell), and I’m busy when the Alabama Three are playing.  I’d go to the Larry Love Showband gig on the 17th (especially since it’s quite a nice wee pub they’re playing), but I’m out of town that weekend.  Which, I’ve just realised, probably means I’m going to miss Synthetic Culture next month, too.

Ah well.  I could do with a quiet couple of weeks, anyway.

(More being “nice” to people to come tomorrow, probably.)

I’m selling my old Canon Ixus V (link to a sample second hand sale on Amazon.co.uk provided for reference purposes – this is not my sale, so if you want to buy mine, don’t buy that one).  Camera and 64 Meg flash card can be yours for 100 quid (less that amazon sample price, and includes a better flash card), or nearest offer.

I’d prefer to sell to someone I can actually meet up with an hand the thing over, but I’m willing to sort out postage and tell you how much extra it’ll cost if need be.

Anyone interested?

And another birthday.

llamaramauk lives at the other end of the country, which is something of a pain in the arse, because it’d be nice to see her more often, and everyone knows I spontaneously combust if forced to pass outside the M25.  She possesses many admirable qualities, but listing them will bore us all to tears.  So instead I’m going to tell you something she’d never tell you herself, because she’s far too modest.

Picture the scene: It’s 1977.  Punk rock is already over, it’s just that no-one’s noticed.  On January the 1st of this year, the first woman Episcopal priest is ordained.  Shortly thereafter, scientists identify the bacterium that causes Legionnaire’s disease.  In fact, 1977 is a bumper year for science, as scientists make insulin in lab conditions for the first time, the USSR launches Soyuz 24, the US launches Voyager 1 and 2 (in reverse order) and the Space shuttle takes it’s maiden flight, strapped to a Boeing 747.

But all these things pale into insignificance beind the accomplishments of a young llamaramauk, on holiday with her family in Nova Scotia.  While staying in one of a small cluster of shore-side cottages, she spots a younger child in trouble on the beach.  The child is trapped, backed up against the rock by a hideous creature that he come crawling out of the water.  The beast is vast, and ugly, with a hard grey shell, covered in the slime of the depths from which it has risen.  Balancing on it’s spindly legs, it menaces the child with it’s huge claws, while it’s antennae sweep over the poor boy, trying to determine which part of his soft flesh would be best to bite into first.

Thinking quickly, she seizes up a rock, and dives forward, coming up upon the beast from behind, and driving the stone hard into the space between it’s two close-set eyes, hoping against hope that the space between those two glittering black orbs is slightly softer than the rest of the body.  There is a terrible crunch, and the beast slumps, just in time for the child’s parents to come running.

After the scientists have come in, and carried out their tests, the truth is detemined.  With it weighing in at a little over 20 kilos, and while she was still a child llamaramauk killed not just the largest lobster, but the largest crustacean ever recorded.

Happy Birthday!

Do I:

a) Stay in, tidy up, and begin the process of making sure I’ve MP3ed every CD in my collection, now that I have a big enough iPod?
b) Go out and shop, like a good little 21st century consumer?

Oh, and in other news, The BBC are doing a series of interviews called “Chain Reaction”. The series starts wth some famous person or other interviewing the candidate of their choice. The following week, the interviewee then interviews the person of their choice. And so on.

At some point in the not too distant future, Stewart Lee will be interviewing Alan Moore. Who will, presumably, then be interviewing someone himself the following week. I’m going to try and get a few tickets to the recordings, and as I assume other V-sters will as well.

So, anyone interested?

It’s alfirin_kirinki‘s birthday today, so I suppose I should write up a response for her first, before I dash out the door.

alfirin_kirinki is warm, honest and creative.

Despite several close calls, alfirin_kirinki has never knowingly participated in human sacrifice.

alfirin_kirinki doesn’t do anything by halves.

Shortly after she was born, and to the astonishment of those who knew her as an infant alfirin_kirinki invented lemons.