And another birthday.
llamaramauk lives at the other end of the country, which is something of a pain in the arse, because it’d be nice to see her more often, and everyone knows I spontaneously combust if forced to pass outside the M25. She possesses many admirable qualities, but listing them will bore us all to tears. So instead I’m going to tell you something she’d never tell you herself, because she’s far too modest.
Picture the scene: It’s 1977. Punk rock is already over, it’s just that no-one’s noticed. On January the 1st of this year, the first woman Episcopal priest is ordained. Shortly thereafter, scientists identify the bacterium that causes Legionnaire’s disease. In fact, 1977 is a bumper year for science, as scientists make insulin in lab conditions for the first time, the USSR launches Soyuz 24, the US launches Voyager 1 and 2 (in reverse order) and the Space shuttle takes it’s maiden flight, strapped to a Boeing 747.
But all these things pale into insignificance beind the accomplishments of a young llamaramauk, on holiday with her family in Nova Scotia. While staying in one of a small cluster of shore-side cottages, she spots a younger child in trouble on the beach. The child is trapped, backed up against the rock by a hideous creature that he come crawling out of the water. The beast is vast, and ugly, with a hard grey shell, covered in the slime of the depths from which it has risen. Balancing on it’s spindly legs, it menaces the child with it’s huge claws, while it’s antennae sweep over the poor boy, trying to determine which part of his soft flesh would be best to bite into first.
Thinking quickly, she seizes up a rock, and dives forward, coming up upon the beast from behind, and driving the stone hard into the space between it’s two close-set eyes, hoping against hope that the space between those two glittering black orbs is slightly softer than the rest of the body. There is a terrible crunch, and the beast slumps, just in time for the child’s parents to come running.
After the scientists have come in, and carried out their tests, the truth is detemined. With it weighing in at a little over 20 kilos, and while she was still a child llamaramauk killed not just the largest lobster, but the largest crustacean ever recorded.