Andrea said it well last night, but her exact words escape me: We’re living in a world where people can kill innocent numbers this big, and then not tell us why. And that makes it oddly worse. That not only are there the sort of filth out there who can plan and execute killings on this scale, but that they don’t even have the spine to tell us why.
On the one hand, nothing has changed. We’ve always lived in this world. There’s still as much wonder and the light out there as there ever was. But it’s kind of hard to see it, today. There’s something weird about my visor chiming off with my regular jobs today – it does it every day, but it seems oddly mundane to to be checking websites and doing back-ups today.
I’m reading a list of things people are doing to take their mind off this, to comfort themselves and generally reassure themselves that the world isn’t ending. Me, I spent last night watching the coverage with two of the people I love best. That’ll do me, thanks.
It’s funny how the mind reacts at time like this, isn’t it? All I can think about are my friends and family. I have no reason to think any of them are in immediate danger, but I’m worrying about them in any case. And in turn, that sets off “I thought I didn’t have to do this any more!” sorts of thoughts in my head. (For those unaware – a large number of my family, and some of my friends are Northern Irish. Part of my life, growing up, was worrying every time something was on the news about explosions and death in Belfast. I was fucking delighted when the peace treaties were signed.) And while I’m thinking all these thoughts, I’m also wondering what the consequences of all this will be – as soon as blame is assigned, there’s going to be something vast and horrible coming out of the US…
Once again, I prove that I’m an arsehole. There’s an unfeasible tradgedy unfolding in the US, there’s hsyteria and panic going on all around, and my heart bleeds for everyone that this touches, and then Blair spouts shit about how this is a “new evil”. It’s a new scale, and I’m shocked, stunned and appalled, and still, I have it in me to be pissed off that Blair thinks that waiting to find out if your loved ones are alive or dead is a new thing.
So, of course, I shoot my gob off. I do it as tactfully as I can, hoping to convey my sympathies to those hurt by this, empathising with their plight, because I remember what it was like to watch the news about a bomb in Belfast and to wonder if anyone I knew or loved was hurt of killed by it, and pointing out how rotten and disrespectful to the memory of hundreds and thousands of dead people Blair is being. But I cocked it up, and reactions have ranged from “you insensitive asshole” to reactions that on the whole, may have been nicer and politer than I deserved.
And I’m left worrying about my friends in the area, and the families of people I know and love in the area, and god, it’s all a fucked up mess…