Language Barrier

Weird day. Not at work, through illness. Spent a lot of it on-line, in strange and unexpected e-mail conversations with various people. Kind of got me thinking about all those conversation I’d like to have, and almost certainly never will, for one reason or another. I’m sure you’ve all got them – something you really want to say to someone, but can’t, because you know that however you approach the conversation, whatever you’re trying to express will get mangled in the space between the inside of your head and theirs. Something will get fucked up, and you won’t be able to make yourself understood as you intend to be.

Nothing to be done about it, it’s just on my mind.


I have shit load of stuff I want to say here. Some of it, I just want to get set down in public. Things become more solid when they’re said out loud. If you don’t say it, then there’s no proof of it, and it’s easier to take back, in the silence of your own mind. That’s half the reason I keep this thing. It’s also the reason that it has no archive that you can read – I want to get things said in public, but I don’t want people to be able to torment me with them when I do change my mind.

But I digress: there’s lots of stuff I want to say, and a lot of it, I just don’t. Some of it, yeah, I know why I don’t. Other bits – the mood hits me, and I start to say them, and then something goes wrong – I get lost in work, my browser crashes, I just plain forget, lots of reasons. But something happens, the mood passes and I never go back to them.


It’s 2:30am. The dinner party has just ended. Andrew’s in his bed, and Andrea is on the spare mattress in the lounge, and I know there’s no way I can sleep any time soon, which is irritating. My mind’s running nineteen to the dozen on all sorts of topics, and tonight’s top of the list: God.

Never the small ones that bug you at 2am, is it?

My relationship with god is a weird one. I used to be a Christian, until I lost both my grandfathers in the space of a week. Then, well, it wasn’t that I didn’t believe in god, it’s just that I hated him/her/it. Over time, that essentially teenaged rebellion mutated into atheism. But given my other half-mad beliefs, I actually find it currently impossible to disbelieve god, exactly. Oh, in an argument, I still take the atheist stance, simply because I think that living your life with an essentially atheist outlook, regardless of other beliefs makes more sense, and is a more useful thing to do, both for the individual, and society as a whole. But in terms of my belief god, it’s not even an agnostic stance – I’m a practising chaos magician, for god’s sake. If this shit works, and I have every reason to believe it does, then how can god not exist? Granted, I’m pretty sure he/she/it only exists because we believe it does, but still.

But I find that now, over a decade since my initial loss of faith, I no longer have hatred I did, expect on the most abstract level. I no longer have it in me to fight over people’s faith. Don’t mock mine, I won’t mock yours, that’s my view these days.

Odd thing, though: if I’d talked about this a year ago, I’d have been a hard line atheist, with a big old chip on my shoulder about how belief in god was unnecessary at this point.

What I can’t decide is if this change is for the better. It’s more mature, I think. It’s a good indication of the results of the work I’ve been doing over the last year, and they’re results I’m happy with. But I miss that white-hot certainty of unbelief.

Ah well. Time to get some work done.