Alasdair Watson

I’ve got candles lit, and the Cocteau twins on the stereo, after having spent the day lying about watching DVDs and pissing about on-line. I’m sipping Bushmills and waiting for The West Wing to start. The room smells of apple and cinnamon (yes, I have lit the Big Pies candle). If I had managed to have a warm shower today, it would have been just about perfect, but one can’t have everything, I guess. One day, I will teach this fucking boiler who’s boss. Possibly with some kind of hammer.

My friendtest. How well do you know me? I suspect it’ll be embarassingly easy for some of you…

Andrew and Marysia have just left. They remarked (among many other things) that I haven’t updated this in a while. Sorry, folks.

So, here’s the news: now firmly ensconced in South Woodford, where I fluctuate between (most of the time) feeling a sense of achievement at getting out on my own, and contentment at having my own place to come back to, and occasional bouts of feeling kinda lonely. They’ll pass.

Enough of the news. Tonight’s thinking, prompted by conversations with the pair of them:

Talking about dreams and plans – aside from writing, I have none. I do not want anything out of life. There is nothing I feel I have to do/achieve/acquire in order to make me happy. The only thing I want is to be happy, which most of the time, I am. I’m good at enjoying what I have, rather than lusting after what I haven’t. I’ve taught myself to be happy with the hand life deals me.

Eighteen months back, as I’ve said here before I think, I turned my back on what I wanted (or perhaps, realised that I didn’t want it after all). This was a dreadful shock to my system, as I switched from building myself around this goal to suddenly having nothing to strive toward. It fucked me up for a good chunk of last year. So I rebuilt myself, and now I try not to want anything out of life, and I’m happier for it.

Corollary to this: talking about people for whom we would drop everything, give up our lives as they stand and just risk it all for – Andrew and Marysia would like to be in a position to do this. I’d be disappointed in myself if I was/did.

The difference, of course, is that I had someone for whom I’d have dropped everything, if they asked, and then I got my heart broken. I swore that wouldn’t happen again. Not the not getting my heart broken (that might well happen again) but that I’d never give anyone that amount of power over my hopes and dreams. I’d never make the decision to place what I wanted second to someone else. Not only is it unrealistic, because while I can say that I made that choice, and if called on it specifically, would have followed through, it’s also true that I failed in it in a thousand tiny and selfish ways, but it’s also unfair both to me and to the other person. It’s not fair to place that sort of burden on someone, whether they know about it or not.

But the two things combined make me wonder: am I becoming isolated? Am I, over time, withdrawing from the world, focusing on giving it and the people in it less power over my happiness, becoming happier and more sure of myself at the expense of emotional attachment?

I’ve never been tactile (except within a relationship, when I can be quite normal about it – my boundaries are removed, there). I do not make casual physical contact (unless I slip or stumble, obviously), and I do not like to be casually touched. Even the slightest contact has significance for me.

But I’ve noticed, over the last year or so that I’m actually getting worse. I’m over-reacting in response to it. I can’t (or possibly just don’t) mask my reaction as I used to.

This leaves me with the mild worry that I’ll never actually manage a relationship again. The thought doesn’t fill me with horror exactly. As I’ve said before, I’ve more than made my peace with being single. But y’know, I’d like to have the option. And I’m bad enough at flirting anyway. I don’t need it getting harder, thanks.

But enough of this semi-whining (I’m not worried or miserable about any of this, just sort of observing it in a detatched manner, so y’know don’t go thinking I’m having an angsting session or anything – it’s just something I’m thinking about). I have fine Bourbon and good movies to watch. So I shall relax, happy and untouched. :)

The verdict: Eh. It was the first one warmed over a bit. Not as fresh, not as funny. See it if you’re bored. But still, I do like that I can get off the train from work, and decide on a whim to amble round to the cinema before going home, and catch a 6 o’clock showing.

Well, Tart, at least. Sequential Tart to be exact. I’ve fallen out of the habit of mentioning it on here when they update, which I never intended to do, because they’re one of the best comics websites going, and you ought to be paying them attention. Particularly to Barb Lien-Cooper’s interview with Grant Morrison this month, which is ace, even on a quick skim. I’m planning to sit down and it read closely this evening, before an early night.

I should be back on-line by this time tomorrow, so I’ll post this then. I’ve made some headway on the unpacking tonight – the kitchen is almost completely sorted out and indeed, stocked with some food – god knows what I’m going to do with all this cupboard and fridge space. I’m sitting here, surrounded by boxes, drinking a chilled cherry beer, reading a few web pages I saved at work today. I’m going to see Jason X tonight, because no-one else I know is going to want to see it, and I feel the need to take advantage of living five minutes walk from a cinema.

Anyway, time to get back to reading.

Or unpacking, I suppose. But y’know, I think I like this new home business. It’s a bit quiet, and I suspect that there’ll be times I’ll miss the company, having been used to living with good friends, but still…

I move house tomorrow. Unitl I have at least a phone, and ADSL if possible sorted for my new place, I’ll be functionally off line. I’ll be able to scan my mail, and reply to anything that only needs a short response in my lunch break at work, but other than than, you can expect that I’ll be offline until mid next week, at the earliest. I’ll see you then, folks.

A friend of mine (who may be reading this, for all I know) wrote the following: “Now I’m single, I should be getting out more.”

My reaction to this will surprise no-one, of course: why? I’m assuming (and with this friend, there’s a fair chance that I could be off-base here) that the basic intent is to try and not be single again. Yeah, I know I’m weird about the whole attitude to being single thing. But still – I don’t get the whole “go out when you’re single, stay in when you’re in a couple” thing and I know a.load of folk who’ve done this – been absolute club/pub/party monsters, right up until they found themselves in a relationship, then their attitude became “I’ve already pulled, why do I need to do that?” Which kind of suggests to me that they didn’t much want to be doing it in the first place. And if that’s the case, why do it at all? Surely you’d be better off meeting someone in a place that the natural pace of life leads you to – doesn’t that suggest that you’re more likely to have something in common? Why do something you don’t like?

Christ, I dunno. You humans are all far to weird. Do what you like not what you feel you need to do, that’s what I say…

First day in the new job. The commute is hellish, but I only have to deal with a week of it, so I’ll live. Spent today setting up my machine, and looking at their systems. Will get stuck into the actual work tomorrow. Now, dinner and packing.