And yes, it seems bloody obvious, but it’s always seemed bloody obvious, and still no-one does it.

Do something new, and people will love you for it.

It doesn’t have to be clever.  And if you find a trick that works with one audience, it’ll work with them all.
Digression into comics

For sale, cheap: one set of lungs.  Owner no longer wants them, and needs the space.

—

“It lives!  It lives!” 

wmute is a thing made of leftovers and lightning.  A thing clothed in borrowed flesh, strung together with fire and genius’d inspiration.  He is living proof of the ascendence of man over the laws of nature, humanity reaching up from the mire to snatch life itself from the cold firmament.

wmute is damnation itself.  A lurching, shambling thing made from the remains of murderers and madmen.  A horror born on a rain-soaked night in defiance of everything that is good or right or just.  A half-alive testament to man’s base depravity.

Rejected by a society that is no more able to tolerate him than they can accept the terrible truths he represents, wmute lives as an outcast in desolate places where decent men do not go.

And that, perhaps, is exactly as it should be…

lilitufire was a devil on the flying trapeze.  It was all in the timing, she said.  She thrilled the crowds with her death-defying aerial acrobatics – somersaulting back and forth between her astonishing assistants, high above the ground, without the benefit of a saftey net.  Men and women gasped in fear and astonishment as she flung herself across the void between the two swinging trapeze artists, nothing but empty air beneath her, executing a bewilidering series of twists and turns as she flew.

Women admired her.  Men desired her.  She had everything.  Fame, fortune, the adulation of all who saw her.

And then, one day, at the height of her powers, she quit.  Hung up her sequined leotard, dismissed her astonishing assistants, and headed out toward the sunset.  She offered no explanation, and refused to discuss the matter with anyone.  But her legend lives on, and her name is remembered, unlike so many who came after her, and we are forced to conclude that she knew exactly what she was doing, that fateful day.  After all, hadn’t she always said that her art was all in the timing?

That’s probably a little strong.  And depending on which day of the week you ask me, the philosophical message of the film is either the absolute fundamental truth about everything, about half right, or utter bollocks.

But it’s funny, and it’s different, and whether you agree with it or not, it does at least invite you to engage your brain, Lily Tomlin and Dustin Hoffman are great, and for once I was able to watch a film with Jude Law in it without wanting to punch him.  (His character, yes.  But for once, not the man himself.  I can’t help it.  He has a punchable face.)

And now:

papamoomin is secretly a zombie voodoo baron.  Well, he was right up until I let the cat out of the bag.  He’ll probably send something horrible to come crawling in my window one night by way of revenge, but I thought you all ought to know.  In Haiti, he is known as “Papa Black Mambo”, because his vengeange is swift, and almost always fatal.  They tell the tale of the unlucky tourist who was foolish let his shadow fall across papamoomin‘s path, and how he tore the shadow off, and sent it to plague the poor tourist every night for a year and day, until the poor man returned to beg for peace.

papamoomin smiled his terrible smile, and granted the tourist his wish.

Yes, I do seem to have a cold.  Bollocks.  Early to bed with a hot toddy for me.  But before I go:

redscharlach once wrestled a bear and won.  It was a big bear, and it was savage, but redscharlach had been training for it, and she was more than ready.  She was quicker, meaner and more vicious than any bear could ever hope to be.  She hooked, and gouged, and fought as dirty as she knew how (and though you’d never think it look at her, she knew how to fight very dirty indeed), and she knocked that bear to the ground.  It never knew what had hit it.

So bear that in mind, the next time you see her.  You may enjoy her company on many levels, and indeed, her wit is sparkling, and her intellect impressive, but bear in mind, as you bask in her presence, that in addition to having mastered all the accomplishments proper to a lady of her station, redscharlach once wrestled a bear and won.

(The bear, if you’re curious, was stuffed and mounted, and now stands in the Ashmolean Museum.)

It would be fair to say that his family and friends were surprised when nils told them that he was planning to enter that world go-go dancing championships.  But if they were surpised then, it was nothing compared their mounting astonishment as he won first his heats, and then each successive round of the contest, to eventually wind up as the foremost go-go dancer in the world.

nils, of course, remains characteristically modest about his achievements.  “I wasn’t looking for fame and fortune,” he says “it was just something I felt I had to try.”  And it’s true that he seems largely unchanged by his newfound celebrity – he’s returned home to his old flat, and his old job, and life continues much as before.  When asked if he’ll dance again, he just smiles slightly.  “I’m not planning to, but I’ve still got the boots at the back of a cupboard, so I suppose anything’s possible.”

Step One: Head out to shops.
Step Two: Look round shops.  See nothing.
Step Three: Phone Dad to ask what to buy Mum, and vice versa.  Discover that the things they would like cannot easily be bought in shops.
Step Four: Return Home, order on-line.

Next year, I’m not even going to bother leaving the house.

You’re in terrible danger.  Keep that in mind at all times when dealing with zoo_music_girl.  Don’t let the facade fool you for a second.  And, whatever you do don’t turn your back on her.

Yes, I know you think you’re safe.  I know you think you’re equipped to handle her.  She’s in that room, alone, restrained.  There’s an armed guard on the door.  She’s half your size.

You’re in terrible, terrible danger.

No, those other guys weren’t “just careless”.  They weren’t “poorly trained”.  zoo_music_girl really is as bad as you’ve heard.  We haven’t been able to work out the exact body count yet.

Go on, go in.  Just don’t forget.  Don’t let your guard down.  Not for an instant.  She’ll smile.  She’ll tell you pretty lies.

Then she’ll tear you apart from the inside out.

I have tomorrow off work. This pleases me, not least because the “feeling faintly rubbish” I’ve been suffering from for about three weeks now is threatening to develop into the fullblown Galloping Lungrot, so I think a bit of a rest is in order. I’m going to get my Christmas shopping done, then go to the cinema, as I haven’t been in a month or so. I’m tempted to just go and see The Incredibles again, but I (heart) Huckabees is out, and looks like it could be fantastic, and I *still* haven’t see Bad Santa. And then I plan to spend the weekend in a coma.

In other news, I am currently hooked on Firewater courtesy of zoo_music_girl. burge and stu_n, I suspect you’d like them, if you haven’t heard them already. You can listen the whole of their last-but-one album on the website, if you fancy giving them a go…

And yes, once more unto the breach…
—
budgie_uk. Where to start? With his glamorous rock star lifestyle? With the trail of broken-hearted women? With the mind-boggling quantities of drugs and booze?

Or what about his work with the St Dymphna’s Home for Limbless Orphans? The tireless hours he dedicates to bring cheer into their otherwise horrific lives with his strange circus tricks? His juggling act, in particular, is something to see, as the children crowd round him as best they can, rolling there on the floor at his feet, clamouring to be the next in the air…

Yes, budgie_uk is a remarkable chap, and no mistake. All the more so, in light of the tragic buffalo accident ten years ago that left him unable to say anything but “Yes, I’ll have two lemons and large jar of bovril, please.”

avariel_wings is the rootinest, tootinest, rassumest, frassumest, meanest varmint west of the Pecos.  I heard that she shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.  She’s wanted on 4 counts of murder, 12 counts of cattle-rustling, and 1 count of stealing candy from a baby.

When avariel_wings rolls into town, the decent folk hide under the bed.  She’ll drink the saloon dry, win every hand she gambles on, and wear out every man-whore in the place.  And when she’s done all that, she’ll rob the bank, shoot the sheriff, and ride off into the sunset, laughing maniacally, and clutching a last bottle of whisky.