Yes, I do seem to have a cold.  Bollocks.  Early to bed with a hot toddy for me.  But before I go:

redscharlach once wrestled a bear and won.  It was a big bear, and it was savage, but redscharlach had been training for it, and she was more than ready.  She was quicker, meaner and more vicious than any bear could ever hope to be.  She hooked, and gouged, and fought as dirty as she knew how (and though you’d never think it look at her, she knew how to fight very dirty indeed), and she knocked that bear to the ground.  It never knew what had hit it.

So bear that in mind, the next time you see her.  You may enjoy her company on many levels, and indeed, her wit is sparkling, and her intellect impressive, but bear in mind, as you bask in her presence, that in addition to having mastered all the accomplishments proper to a lady of her station, redscharlach once wrestled a bear and won.

(The bear, if you’re curious, was stuffed and mounted, and now stands in the Ashmolean Museum.)

It would be fair to say that his family and friends were surprised when nils told them that he was planning to enter that world go-go dancing championships.  But if they were surpised then, it was nothing compared their mounting astonishment as he won first his heats, and then each successive round of the contest, to eventually wind up as the foremost go-go dancer in the world.

nils, of course, remains characteristically modest about his achievements.  “I wasn’t looking for fame and fortune,” he says “it was just something I felt I had to try.”  And it’s true that he seems largely unchanged by his newfound celebrity – he’s returned home to his old flat, and his old job, and life continues much as before.  When asked if he’ll dance again, he just smiles slightly.  “I’m not planning to, but I’ve still got the boots at the back of a cupboard, so I suppose anything’s possible.”

Step One: Head out to shops.
Step Two: Look round shops.  See nothing.
Step Three: Phone Dad to ask what to buy Mum, and vice versa.  Discover that the things they would like cannot easily be bought in shops.
Step Four: Return Home, order on-line.

Next year, I’m not even going to bother leaving the house.

You’re in terrible danger.  Keep that in mind at all times when dealing with zoo_music_girl.  Don’t let the facade fool you for a second.  And, whatever you do don’t turn your back on her.

Yes, I know you think you’re safe.  I know you think you’re equipped to handle her.  She’s in that room, alone, restrained.  There’s an armed guard on the door.  She’s half your size.

You’re in terrible, terrible danger.

No, those other guys weren’t “just careless”.  They weren’t “poorly trained”.  zoo_music_girl really is as bad as you’ve heard.  We haven’t been able to work out the exact body count yet.

Go on, go in.  Just don’t forget.  Don’t let your guard down.  Not for an instant.  She’ll smile.  She’ll tell you pretty lies.

Then she’ll tear you apart from the inside out.

I have tomorrow off work. This pleases me, not least because the “feeling faintly rubbish” I’ve been suffering from for about three weeks now is threatening to develop into the fullblown Galloping Lungrot, so I think a bit of a rest is in order. I’m going to get my Christmas shopping done, then go to the cinema, as I haven’t been in a month or so. I’m tempted to just go and see The Incredibles again, but I (heart) Huckabees is out, and looks like it could be fantastic, and I *still* haven’t see Bad Santa. And then I plan to spend the weekend in a coma.

In other news, I am currently hooked on Firewater courtesy of zoo_music_girl. burge and stu_n, I suspect you’d like them, if you haven’t heard them already. You can listen the whole of their last-but-one album on the website, if you fancy giving them a go…

And yes, once more unto the breach…
—
budgie_uk. Where to start? With his glamorous rock star lifestyle? With the trail of broken-hearted women? With the mind-boggling quantities of drugs and booze?

Or what about his work with the St Dymphna’s Home for Limbless Orphans? The tireless hours he dedicates to bring cheer into their otherwise horrific lives with his strange circus tricks? His juggling act, in particular, is something to see, as the children crowd round him as best they can, rolling there on the floor at his feet, clamouring to be the next in the air…

Yes, budgie_uk is a remarkable chap, and no mistake. All the more so, in light of the tragic buffalo accident ten years ago that left him unable to say anything but “Yes, I’ll have two lemons and large jar of bovril, please.”

avariel_wings is the rootinest, tootinest, rassumest, frassumest, meanest varmint west of the Pecos.  I heard that she shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.  She’s wanted on 4 counts of murder, 12 counts of cattle-rustling, and 1 count of stealing candy from a baby.

When avariel_wings rolls into town, the decent folk hide under the bed.  She’ll drink the saloon dry, win every hand she gambles on, and wear out every man-whore in the place.  And when she’s done all that, she’ll rob the bank, shoot the sheriff, and ride off into the sunset, laughing maniacally, and clutching a last bottle of whisky.

So, checking to see if there’s a new Brookmyre novel coming any time soon (May next year, it turns out), I note that there’s also a new short story, “Mellow Doubt” on his website (at least it’s new to the site). It features someone who… well, it’s a character from one of his novels. Someone you may not have thought you’d see again…

Thought you lot might like a heads-up.

When thamshere set out to overthrow the government of Guam, people told him he was crazy. And he was.

When thamshere decided to paint his room with suet, people said he was insane. And he was.

When thamshere attempted to summit Everest wearing only a pink thong and a pair of Ugg Boots, people thought he was off his rocker. And he was.

thamshere has never believed in letting complete drooling insanity stop him from doing a damn thing.

Enough making up amusing rubbish about people for now.

Today, I’m going to talk about something that’s been driving me slowly up the wall for a while now. And in doing so, I may hurt the feelings of some of the people on my friends list.

Tough. If you can’t handle the notion that something you do may irritate me, you need to grow a thicker skin. God knows, I’m sure I piss enough of you off.

It’s this:

Squee!
Not around me, you don’t.

I swear to god, when I saw other people doing this one, they all seemed to get away with about three people commenting.  I thought I’d get it done in an idle afternoon.  But noooo, you bastards all had to see what I had to say, didn’t you?  I’ve got 17 of these bloody things to do in total.  I’ll probably wind up writing more than I did for several university essays.  Also, I keep having wildly improbably ideas for writing styles to do them in…

Also, I have just noticed that I’ve been averaging two to three posts a day for the last few days.  For christ’s sake, someone tell me to shut up if I look like I’m in danger of becoming tedious (or more danger than usual, at any rate).  I’d hate to get to the point where people feel compelled to defriend me for talking too much.

Anyway: burge

1:1 In the begnning, God created the heaven and the earth.

1:2 And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.

1:3 And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.

1:4 And burge replied “Will you shut that sodding light off, I’m trying to get some sleep?”

1:5 And God saw the look on burge‘s face, and hastily turned the light back into darkness, and called it Night.

1:6 Day could wait.

1:7 Several Nights later burge found God sitting in the midst of the creation that he had wrought.

1:8 He had made an awful hash of it.

1:9 And burge took pity on God, and said unto him “Look, there’s these things called ‘physics’ and ‘evolution’.  If you get them right at the start, the whole creation business takes care of itself.”

1:10 And God looked at her in shock, saying “Why didn’t I think of that?”

1:11 So God started all over again, and got it right this time.

1:12 But then he came up with this thing called “Free Will”.  burge just looked at him and sighed.